As long as it took, I often wonder(ed): Who's the Master?
Ecclesiastes 9:11 (AMP) #verseOfReflection
11 I returned and saw under the sun that the race is not to the swift nor the battle to the STRONG,
neither is bread to the wise nor riches to men of intelligence and understanding
nor favor to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all.
Gonna try and make this quick.
When I arrived in Pittsburgh in August of 2011 I was excited. I knew that God had called me to this place and great things were going to happen. What I didn't know is that I would be tried, tested, and teased time and time again. Decisions that I made would come back to haunt me and I would drop to the lowest point in my life; twice. The first low wasn't even a low. It was more of me being someone who I had never seen before but was somewhat familiar with. A dark being that came from a corner or shadow in my soul that I knew existed but never thought would see the light of day. To this day I pray it never sees light again.
“I was so dark; my shadow was afraid of me.”
Every school year there was always some girl who was the object of my affection. That's just how it had always been. I sincerely hoped that this time would be different. Year 1 it wasn't, in fact that 1 girl became 3. The second year was a lot better and year 3, well let's just say I was still juggling whether or not I had met the one for me. What was more important however, was a battle that had begun to brew my first year at Carnegie Mellon. It wasn't until I returned to school in the Fall of 2011 and was rendered helpless and almost utterly useless that the seeds placed by the formation of Don't Struggle Like...I Did (DSL...ID) and my faith began to sprout, growing into a full fledged beef with academia, Carnegie Mellon University as an institution, and all those who praise intellect.
The word master has so many connotations to it. When I was younger people would call me "Master (insert name)", for I was a young lad but not old enough to be called Mister. I thought it was pretty cool. At the time I didn't even plan on coming to graduate school, let alone know what I would major in in college.
I truly did want to grow closer to God and "Seek the Master" while trying to become a Master of Science. Eventually I was able to strike a balance and much of that came through the work that I was doing with DSL..ID to make life better for graduate students. What is more, this program began to be fleshed out when I was at my weakest point mentally, physically, emotionally...all over. I was so fed up with academia and how people used their grades and degrees (accolades, accomplishments, advances, etc) to prop themselves up. I saw how "evil" the system had become and much like Jesus, I was ready to not only turn over some tables, but burn that mother down.
"The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire! We don't need no water..."
Understanding that I was in a sensitive time in my life, the rational side of me chose to wait out and see what it was that God was doing and how I'd be able to challenge the university without forcing myself and others into chaos. That was a good decision indeed. I'm pretty sure had I moved forward, putting all chips in, there would not have been any good to come of it.
Why was I so upset, angry, and frustrated!? I witnessed in my limited mobility of health, mind and body, how people had come to worship their work. Students feeling that they don't have time for anything (else). Professors in some cases not being empathetic because "this is the way it is"; happening much later for me in trying to graduate slightly less than on time. There was just SO MUCH WRONG with the picture being lived out in front of my eyes.
...
"A Crisis of Confidence:
When transition is so much a part of our lives, one of the inevitable features of our work will be a crisis of confidence. We change and enter a new set of opportunities...the familiar is gone and what we once felt we might have been able to do well is no longer assumed to be part of the equation"
taken from Courage and Calling (Gordon T. Smith)
Ever since I was a little boy people would call me "smart". I mean, I knew I was pretty bright but never considered myself to be better than those around me. I often wondered if others had the same encouragement that I did, how they might have fared in life. In not graduating on time I was challenged to stop finding my identity in my intellect and everything that I knew. I was forced to admit that when limited there's not much that I can do. I had to become fully reliant on God and allow him to use me, especially in my weakest moments.
"The wonderful word master used to describe the person who is at the top of his or her craft, whatever the profession. It was a title that one could work towards and with some degree of confidence ascribe to the person who was very good at what he or she did...Just when we think we have mastered our craft, the circumstances and expectations have changed...In some cases this has meant that individuals have experienced failure, setback, disappointment."
taken from Courage and Calling (Gordon T. Smith)
 |
| You sure look like a Master to me |
Soon I began to realize that perhaps I didn't have to master anything. Maybe, just maybe, all I needed to do was finish.
It's my last day in da 'burgh.
Duval, I'm comin home...
Duval, I'm comin home...
Sumthn2Ponder (s2p):
- What's mastering you right now?
- Where's the one place you haven't looked? #findYourMaster
- Are you a master and is it necessary (that you be one)?
