"Throw your hands in the air if you feel me (throw 'em up x3)...yeaaaa"- Cuz We Know Him (Benjah)
During the Fall of 2009 I reached another transformation point as God continued to work through me in preparation for what would be the passing of my Grandfather, the maternal patriarch in our family. In listening to Benjah's album Filtered, I became as such and it was apparent among coworkers, social networking friends, and anyone who had known me at the time.
The thing about seasons is that they change and sometimes we as believers may fall...and possibly fall hard and often. It's the struggle of sanctification. You don't ever want to be caught in a situation by your lonesome, unable to defend or call for help. But what happens when you invite trouble to your doorstep...how do you manage?
"Father save me, for I am unable to save myself. That which I want and need to do I can’t seem to do it correctly, and the things that are so easily done but not substantial or needed; do that.” [Prayer Excerpt from Sept. 10]
I'm not sure when The Darkness came. All I know is that it was there. Following me like a shadow...that's almost not a fair interpretation since it had consumed so much of me that as I put it to a friend:
“I was so dark; my shadow was afraid of me.”
I had moved away from everything I knew in hopes of becoming who I needed to be. I made many mistakes and enticed others to engage in the constant rendezvous with me. Didn't I know I was being a horrible team lead?! What made me think that I'd be spared from accepting the consequences of all the destructive decisions that I was making? I didn't feel invincible at the time so...why this sudden urge of carelessness and disregard for the sacred text?
Somewhere around August/September 2010 I invited The Darkness to come and make itself at home. Not sure if it had found a way in my heart or simply buried itself in the depths of my soul...where no man dare voyage or venture for fear of no return. We all have our demons, our dark sides, our skeletons...
I'd look in the mirror and walk away forgetting what I looked like (James 1:22-25). I was able to constantly fail at being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19-21, 26-27). A lot of it had to do with my new found "love". She, almost as I, was no better in handling the adjustment and transition of life as we had come to know it. At times I reminisce, feeling as though I was once an innocent bystander caught up into something I did not recognize or understand. It seems that as the artist stated such is true, "We're so easily satisfied and that's just how Adam died. He was in a place where the love wasn't real."
Have you ever disagreed with, hated, refused to accept, or had such a repugnant feeling towards something that you acted out in ways in which you never thought or imagined possible?! Say hello...to The Darkness. It is not a game to be played with, a clock to be managed or an experience to endure if you can avoid it.
Being in the presence of your own sin and willingly acknowledging where it has gotten you and the possible outcomes of where it might lead is an interesting place to be indeed. Participating in activities with such low esteem for self that you throw caution to the wind. My thoughts at the time included:
"The wages of sin is death; therefore I consider myself fortunate to be alive"
It's amazing really, being able to say, "If she gets pregnant, we'll just abort...that's all there is to it."
“You want to know what’s scarier than a dark shadowy figure with a gun on a street corner? A man of God, in the midst of struggle, doing everything that’s wrong; hoping for a way out to be right again.”It seems that I had been captured, swallowed, engrossed in an execution of my effervescence. Heartily trying to get her to understand that she needed help and if we would go together than we might be "okay". Of course she was like many people who think that talking to someone automagically means you're crazy. There was enough evidence up to this point to suggest something wasn't right on both ends of this team.
[Excerpt from Cornerstone, Communication, and a Calling]
In Psalms 31 we see the author crying out to God.
He uses phrases such as:
- I run to you God…don’t let me down!
- You’re my cave to hide in, my cliff to climb
- Hour by hour I place my days in your hand
- Don’t embarrass me by not showing up
He reminds himself and although God needs no reminder, the author also speaks from his heart in telling God, “I expect you to be here for me because I trust you…I need you”.
In this walk of faith we must be steadfast and faithful with our trust in God.
We must persevere in times of struggle.
I for one can say that this isn’t always easy.
I had to support her but never enlisted support for myself. There was no chord of 3 strands which couldn't be broken with ease (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Try helping someone you think is "crazy" and never getting help for yourself; say bye bye to mental health. Mental health is important, due to the fact that it encompasses your entire being. In order to do well, be well, you must "think" well.
I spoke with a close friend of mine telling her, "I came out of a dark place". Her response in kind, "What'd you do? How'd you handle it?" I just went with the motions which was the wrong thing to do. She admitted to me that she takes advantage of seeing a counselor because as many know, when it comes to pastoral care we deal with some sickly people AND diseases are contagious. You might want to reread that last part.
It's funny though...the same people who praise Jesus and believe in his resurrection think it out of the ordinary to talk with a mental health professional about their issues; specifically minorities. Well, what do you know?! Even Jesus had a counselor*. His name; "The Holy Spirit". I on the other hand came to acquire a counselor in more of the natural sense. We all felt it best that in order to handle the stress which stemmed from The Darkness' visit as well as not getting a good night's sleep, that this might benefit me as part of a stress management program.
The way I see it is such:
Just as Jesus suffered so ours would be less, I go to counseling for those who should but don't. In essence I take their pain with me to the doctor. Sounds weird but highly likely.
I'd tell you more of the story, but you're going to have to pay for that one (actually, both)...stay tuned.
Amen.
*As far as we know historically speaking, Jesus is also a minority. There's no way he lived during the time that he did without having a darker skin tone.
For further insight:
Read-My Second Book: Currently Nameless
Why?
The quick skinny:
- Mental Health is important
- Didn't want you thinking I was flawless ;-)
- People struggle
What does this mean for me? #theReader
If you're a believer be sure to pay attention to the first half of the Book of James 1, verses 2-18. You must keep the faith and endure. Also, don't be afraid to seek out help. If you're not a believer, don't be afraid to seek out help. Continue to hold true to what you believe and endure your struggle and affliction with patience in suffering.
If you're a believer be sure to pay attention to the first half of the Book of James 1, verses 2-18. You must keep the faith and endure. Also, don't be afraid to seek out help. If you're not a believer, don't be afraid to seek out help. Continue to hold true to what you believe and endure your struggle and affliction with patience in suffering.
This is F.U.N. (For Ur Needs)
Use your KEYS
- Know that you need people to have your back
- Expect to struggle and be there for others when they do
- Your resilience will determine your results
- Stay focused and committed despite the conditions
Challenge
- Become more active in addressing some of your current struggles.
- New Year's Resolutions have begun to fade.
- Don't wait for another day to start a change.
Bob Ya’ Head
