MADE...where some aspiring teen wants to be "made" into something that would fancy their wildest dreams. In many cases it involved making a sports team or becoming a successful ______ .
I rarely watched the show but when I did, it'd make me think of how I'd feel going through the process of being made; having cameras follow my every move from anywhere between a couple of weeks to a handful of months, all in the name of becoming something that I so desperately want to be.
"Why stand on the sidelines watching others live your dream? Are you too shy or think you're not "cool" enough to get in on the action? Or do you simply lack the self-confidence and motivation? Well, maybe it's time to stand up and get MADE!"Don't you want to be made?! If I had to pick I would've been made into a basketball player (I could never make the team for some reason); however, as the Fall semester progressed I wanted to be made...into a...nobody.
1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
Amen.
#flashback
It's been a long ride so far during this Fall semester. I thought my first year of graduate school was hard. Man, it just doesn't get any lighter as time goes on does it?! #load
Headaches are still coming and going. It's tough to perform as well as I'd like in my classes but I continue to press on.
I've been meeting with various people within the campus administration and spreading the "good news" of Don't Struggle Like I Did (DSL..ID) concerning our efforts within my department. It's been a blessing to be able to talk to these people who are behind the scenes seeing as how I never imagined being able to one day sit right next to the President of Carnegie Mellon University and talk about a dream that God has given me and how it's benefiting my classmates (as well as myself).
The more I'd meet with folk, whether it be in preparation of a meeting or to see how DSL...ID's current offerings align with the university's approach to graduate student wholeness and well being, I noticed that I was becoming more comfortable telling my story...this also meant integrating my faith into the conversation.
There were a couple of times where I mentioned, "If you look at what I'm working on, the fact that this is a priority for the school and also that my class is in it's 22nd year, it seems pretty clear to me that my steps have been ordered. Even if I tried to plan this on my own, there is no way that I could have orchestrated it regarding the way things are panning out". Pretty impressive if I do say so myself. The class year has to do with the fact that it took what seems to be 22 years for someone to come along and do this type of work, no less a student. For the record the university has had many initiatives in the past and currently ongoing that address the same issue in a similar fashion. At this point we're trying to get a grasp on our next steps; that our means at some point I'll become a part of the conversation. Not sure what that looks like.
#flashForward
I honestly didn't know how to feel once I got to the end of the Fall semester. I mean, it had been such an arduous journey up to that point. "Never thought of what it'd be like to be here". I felt exhausted, mishandled, and had even more unanswered questions that had me longing to get home. I'd think to myself, "Get me home and back in your Word, I know it's where I need to be".
Throughout the course of the Fall semester I'd ask myself questions that I'd pose to God, wondering how the answers might affect me. I'd put a note on my to do list: "whoami", "wheredoistand". Simple things like that. The format in which these are written reflect the commands that can be run within a Linux terminal window, so I decided to see what might happen if I tried it myself:
Not exactly what I expected when executing a few serious commands back in the Fall of 2011.
...and time it's been taking.
I understand to a great extent who I am. My flaws, weaknesses, strengths and talents. I play to what's needed when necessary. I also take pleasure in doing my best to remain humble as I perform the Lord's bidding. It's "a tough situation" to be in. So easy to garner recognition, fame, or accolades in doing what you're good at, more or less what you've been called to do.
I often would joke with church members anytime I'd give an announcement about an upcoming event such as the Veritas Forum: "Hi, I'm Nobody...."'; I meant it.
I'm already a private enough person as it is (according to my counselor I may be a little too private); however, what joy would I get from you watching me?! Lol...watch tv, and if you do look at me, look through me and see that I'm doing this for you. There's a better way.
Why?
The quick skinny:
- I don't want to be remembered for anything; seriously. #fuhgiddaboutit
What does this mean for me? #theReader
Sometimes you may commit yourself to something that causes you to go "all-in". If indeed you never get recognition, will you be able to handle that? Sure everyone likes a thank you, pat on the back, or at-a-boy/girl, but what happens when none of that comes and you DESERVE it?
